Canada said YES! 

The Maple Dominion celebrates its decision to tie the knot with the South, giving birth to the United Oil Plant of America — a colossal Great Red, White, and Blue North under President Donald Trump. The two former countries are now one nation, their shelves stocked with nothing but American products. Recent public polls reveal that long-standing Canadians remain hesitant about divorcing from their American brethren, mostly because ‘divorce’ bears the three letters of evil: D-E-I.

As a part of a new emphasis on diversity, businesses are packing more White in the workplace than the typical Maple Dominion February. Complaints from long-standing “pure” citizens are rising, as some feel sidelined by the extraterrestrials claiming the coveted cashier position at Tim Hortons. Numerous companies, including LCBO, Cineplex, Swiss-Chalet, and Joe Fresh, have pledged to create new opportunities for the disadvantaged Caucasian men and women who built this nation from scratch. 

‘Man’ and ‘woman’ are terms now seldom acknowledged, with the recent uptick in disregarding birth certificates. Not only do new executive orders streamline identifiability so that gender is acknowledged the ‘right’ way, but the pronoun itself is now redundant. 

Passports across the country will now reflect the incontestable “fact” that Americans cannot switch genders the way John Cena switched on Cody Rhodes. Official media publications are anticipated to follow suit. The vocabulary of future generations will entail a simple, simplistic language that doesn’t see person, colour or sex, and will refrain from acknowledging things in general. Things distract from real problems, and that’s what the left wants. 

These initiatives have been met with widespread praise, even reaching as far as Prince Edward Island — the American one, of course. Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow spoke at a conference on Thursday, announcing the decision to reverse updated branding on city streets and institutions, restoring Toronto’s standing with trans-Atlantic job opportunists. 

Chow said, “Canada has a history of strong working relationships with minorities that shouldn’t hide behind clumsily named street signs and buildings. Discrediting these individuals disserves this nation’s history.” 

Tariffs are out, taxes are in. The Maple Dominion concluded a prolonged trade war that saw Canadians disrupting local businesses and households that were reliant on their energy products. It has since relieved America of such taxation, resumed electricity exports to Arizona and Nevada, and is eager to redistribute those expenses to its working and middle class, simultaneously removing difficult monetary barriers for fledgling megacorporations and private businesses. 

On the ice, players from the original Canada hockey team were absorbed into America’s own, leading to the States’ first-ever 3–1 win against Ukraine last night. Just a month ago, Canadians disavowed the “Star-Spangled Banner,” Molson in hand. Today, the Maple Dominion prefers Budweiser, as fists are pumped and stadium mobs salute like the historically democratic Romans, showing a real triumph of the will.

The addition of Nunavut drew positive responses from Wyoming residents, thankful they no longer reside in the most boring part of the country. 

Even a week in, Church, province, and state are proving to be the future people aspired for.