Find yourself alone this Valentine’s? It happens to almost all of us at some point in our lives, and there are a myriad of ways of dealing with this passionless predicament. Some embrace the “who cares” ethos and reject the holiday as a giant Hallmark conspiracy (over one billion cards are sent every Feb. 14). Others take the opposite approach, urgently trying to hook up with someone-anyone-so they’re not lonely on the one day of the year that celebrates intimacy and reciprocated affection (though these swingers miss the point about it, like, involving love and stuff). Still others drown their sorrows in an old-fashioned, anti-love, alcohol-fuelled slopfest that usually ends with salty-tasting beer (from all those tears).
And then there are those who turn to emo-or post-hardcore, or screamo, or whatever hair-splitting label they’re using to describe romantic punk songs about rejection, loss and abandonment-for Valentine’s catharsis. Here we examine new releases from four nu-emo-styled bands recently signed to Epitaph Records-who will all be in town to play the El Mocambo on February 25-to see if any of them have what it takes to offer proper heart-on-your-sleeve solace for a Valentine’s Day spent alone.
The Higher – On Fire
Hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada
Their take on the genre: “Fuse emo with pop and R&B” (what’s that? Bemo?)
Comments: First off, their press kit claims that The Higher’s hometown of Las Vegas is now “the new music capital of the world.” The fucking world? Yeah right. With influences as diverse as Thursday and Justine Timberlake, these young Mormons pump out cheesy synth-inflected pop verses with Thrice-meets-The Bravery choruses.
Archetypical emo lyric: “I’ve come around, so much less without you.”
Crossover potential: With some production done by Maroon 5 hitmaker Matt Wallace and a lazy remix by Fall Out Boy’s Patrick Stump tacked onto the end, it’s easy to imagine ignorant mall punks eating this power-pop tripe for breakfast.
Bleeding hearts: ?? / ?????
I Am Ghost – Lover’s Requiem
Hometown: Long Beach, California
Their take on the genre: “Post-hardcore, punk & metal swirling with symphonic accompaniment.”
Comments: In attempting to rip off Coheed and Cambria, I Am Ghost summons spirits more reminiscent of Billy Talent masquerading as a baroque AFI. The dense, layered, cacophonic segues between songs are the definition of self-indulgent over-production. Lead vocalist Steven Juliano describes the album as “essentially a rock opera.” If it was a real opera, I’d be walking out five minutes in.
Archetypical emo lyric: “Outside the rabbit hole is a candy shop of poison.”
Crossover potential: Fans of AFI should know better than to fall for this shit.
Bleeding hearts: ? / ?????
The Matches – Decomposer
Hometown: Oakland, California
Their take on the genre: These punks wrote a song called “Hot Topic is Not Punk Rock” and then went on a tour sponsored by Hot Topic. Obviously, they don’t give a fuck about anything.
Comments: Emo meets indie rock. Matches frontman Shaun Harris does his best Hot Hot Heat impression overtop of angular Bloc Party guitars and jerky Blood Brothers-lite beats before launching into disappointingly bland emo-punk choruses. That said, this record is more for getting ready to party than it is for crying alone in your bedroom.
Archetypical emo lyric: “So shoot me, shoot me, shoot me, in the smile, I’m going out of style.”
Crossover potential: Despite the incredible cheesiness of the lyrics, there are a few, fleeting quality guitar hooks buried in here.
Bleeding hearts: / ?????
Vanna – The Search Party Never Came
Hometown: Boston, Massachusetts
Their take on the genre: “Massive metalcore for fans of Norma Jean and Every time I Die.”
Comments: Hey, the search party probably never came because no one likes you. You’ve got all the requisite double kicks, deep growls and quick licks to make you a poor man’s Alexisonfire-at best. But seriously Vannaonfire, you aren’t doing anything AOF didn’t do five years ago.
Archetypical emo lyric: “As he cuts into her chest, her heart lives on.”
Crossover potential: Too lame for metal purists, too heavy for pop-punkers. No one’s gonna rescue these guys.
Bleeding hearts: ? / ?????
