With all this craziness surrounding COVID-19, it’s normal to feel anxious, scared, and stressed. That’s why you need to put yourself first. This can help you combat that anxiety, so you can combat the disease while feeling your best! I’ve compiled a list of tips to help you engage in panic during this worldwide pandemic.

1. Buy the almost $300 Fendi FF Logo Pollution Mask — sold out at a store near you! Various media outlets of questionable credibility suggest wearing masks to prevent the spread of the disease. But the ones the bookstore sold for a markup are ugly. You deserve to look good. The best part? This one is reusable, so you can wear it as you sip out of your metal straw, even after the pandemic.

2. Plan the Europe trip you have always dreamed of. Canadian residents can take advantage of the cheaper-than-usual flights to Europe. Spend this spring exploring the empty European streets, and transport yourself back in time to the Black Death.

3. Buy and drink an expensive bottle of wine. Forget your worries ­­­— life’s about to be too short! I recommend a bottle of Six Sigma Ranch Reserve Tempranillo 2012, which costs $79.40 at the LCBO. Expensive, but put it on your credit card! The stock markets are crashing anyway.

4. Drink water. It’s a necessity on every self-care list, and it’ll help you feel better after the wine.

5. Keep a journal. It’s a good way to reflect on your day, keep track of your  goals, and even look back and reminisce. Plus, when society has finally rebuilt itself in 3,000 years, your journal may be the key for future humanoids to understand what brought the extinction of civilization.

6. Get some exercise. Physical activity releases endorphins, which helps you feel better. Be sure to stay at least two metres away from all other humans if you venture outside. Or, if you live in an area where it’s recommended that you stay indoors, know that you can still stay fit! There are tons of pilates tutorials on YouTube for you to half-ass in your living room.

7. Masturbate. Having sex when there’s a global pandemic is not the best idea, unless you’re willing to get down while wearing hazmat suits. Masturbation releases endorphins, and helps you get to know your body better. That way, the next time you have sex after the pandemic, it will be even more fulfilling!

8. Screw it, have sex. It’s honestly anti-feminist to try to control women’s sexuality. Stick it to the patriarchy while getting laid. Maybe just have a shower afterward. Not that I’m in a place to tell you what to do. You do you, girl!

9. Text your ex. This could be your last chance to meet up for ‘closure.’

10. Buy out all the toilet paper, hand sanitizer, bread, and milk from Metro. This is self-care. Put yourself first. Other people can wait for the products to be restocked — it’s not like society is going to run out.

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