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This Halloween, you can visit hell itself by eating these Dollarama treats

As I neared the end of my taste test, I felt like I was on cocaine
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Halloween sweets can be a trick or a treat. COURTESY OF ABI PORTER/WIKIMEDIA
Halloween sweets can be a trick or a treat. COURTESY OF ABI PORTER/WIKIMEDIA

This week, my editor forced me to buy a bunch of weird Halloween candy and destroy my digestive system, for the sake of “the Halloween spirit.” To fulfill my duty — something that felt more like a trick than a treat — I dragged my roommate into trying them with me. We both came out the other end only slightly traumatized.

If that wasn’t enough, my editor also made me write reviews for them all.

Creepy Peepers Mix

Appearance: The packaging looks like eyeballs, which is spooky enough, I suppose. However, when you unwrap them, they’re just chocolate balls. Do better, Dollarama.

Spookiness: I mean, they’re eyeballs. That’s definitely a little strange, unless you’re an optometrist or something.

Vibes: Pretty fire. What on earth is that name though?

Taste: 7/10. They were pretty good, but nothing to call home about. The ‘peanut butter’ flavour, however, was NOT made of peanut butter. It solidified in a really weird way that didn’t feel like authentic peanut butter. The ‘fudge’ flavour redeemed their overall rating, but wasn’t super memorable.

Would I buy it again? If someone else gave me the money for it, maybe.

Double Crisp SKULLS

Appearance: Absolutely adorable. Look at the faces of these little guys. I want to keep them as pets and name them.

Spookiness: I am not scared in the slightest, unfortunately. 

Vibes: Immaculate. How could you be mad at a face like that?

Taste: 7/10. I thought these were pretty good because I’m a fan of crispy rice in chocolate. The chocolate is absolutely horrible — it’s that waxy Dollarama chocolate that you can probably taste in your mouth — but on the whole, it’s bearable.

Would I buy it again? Yes, because I’m a slave to capitalism and easily swayed by cute packaging.

POPPING CANDY

Appearance: If there were a black market for candy, these look exactly like the candy you’d buy there. There are no flavours written on the packaging, just really weird drawings of fruits with facial expressions.

Spookiness: Definitely creepy. Maybe not in a Halloween way — more so in a ‘will this end my life?’ way. Creepy nonetheless.

Vibes: Like the headaches you get in the middle of the night that make it sound like there are fireworks going off nearby.

Taste: 5/10. They’re strangely addictive, but I can’t really taste any of the individual flavours over the incessant popping and crackling noises in my head and ears.

Would I buy it again? If I wanted to torture myself.

Halloween Shapes

Appearance: These are just REESE’S cups that Dollarama probably couldn’t explicitly market as such because of weird corporate rules. Taking them out of the packaging was very underwhelming, and most of them were crushed, but what can I really expect from a dollar store?

Spookiness: Literally not scary at all.

Vibes: Mmm, peanut butter.

Taste: 9/10. It’s like a REESE’S Peanut Butter Cup, but if you bought it from Dollarama. It’s got that strange, cheap taste to it.

Would I buy it again? Hell yeah. Getting REESE’S PIECES for that cheap is always a steal, even if they are a little crushed.

BLOOD SYRUP

Appearance: Gruesome. Brutal. This is definitely the coolest candy packaging I saw at the dollar store.

Spookiness: Definitely scary. I was half-considering using it as a Halloween decoration instead of eating it. I feel like the outcome might’ve been better if I’d done that.

Vibes: Off. 

Taste: 4/10. Unexpectedly sour. I had really low expectations for the actual treat — it’s literally just liquid corn syrup — but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

Would I buy it again? Under no circumstances would I be inclined to go out of my way to buy this. No thanks.

SPOOKY TREATS Gummy brain

Appearance: Right off the bat, this thing is eye-catching. It’s absolutely disgusting looking, which is probably what prompted me to buy it in the first place. I am a glutton for punishment.

Spookiness: I mean, it’s definitely the scariest looking thing I bought, but I think the real spooky factor comes from how gross it was.

Vibes: Roadkill.

Taste: -800/10. It tastes like the love child of those sickly-sweet sucrose-drenched Valentine’s Day lollipops and a bottle of nail polish remover. The soft gummy texture, mixed with the syrupy texture of the “blood,” is absolutely wretched and cursed.

Would I buy it again? Absolutely the fuck not.

Spooky Treats Candy Powder

Appearance: These are pretty cool. I’m going to keep the little containers and use them as shot glasses — or uh, something more wholesome. Yeah. Definitely the second option.

Spookiness: They’re really not scary at all, but the containers are cute!

Vibes: They’re made of a fine white powder that’s enclosed in a funny little plastic container. Slightly reminiscent of something very different.

Taste: 8/10. I mean, they’re sugar and citric acid. What’s not to love? They’re like off-brand Fun Dip or Pixy Stix.

Would I buy it again? If I were in the right mood.

As I neared the end of my taste test, I felt like I was on cocaine. I was half-sure that I was going to vomit, but I held my ground because I haven’t vomited since, like, 2012 and I refuse to lose my streak now.

Anyway, stay safe this Halloween. Definitely pick up some of the Halloween Shapes, because where else can you get Halloween-themed REESE’S cups for $2? On the other hand, do not — and I repeat, do not — buy the gummy brain, unless you want to take a trip to hell itself.