The month of February often emphasizes romantic love, but it’s important to remember that self-love is just as vital for your mental health, if not more so. Amid the chaos of cards, flowers, and grand gestures, taking a moment to nurture your own well-being is a powerful act of self-love in today’s fast-paced world. 

What is self-love?

Self-love is often seen as synonymous with self-esteem. According to Kristin Neff — a researcher of self-compassion at the University of Texas, Austin — self-esteem can be defined as “an evaluation of our worthiness as individuals, a judgement that we are good, valuable people.” Self-esteem often hinges on external validation — feeling good about yourself using others’ approval — whereas self-love focuses on internal validation. 

Sometimes, self-love can be conflated with vanity or selfishness; however, it is in fact regarded as a cornerstone of positive emotional well-being. According to Deborah Khoshaba — a clinical psychologist in Irvine, California — self-love is not just a state of feeling good, but a “state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.” She explains that nurturing our self-love promotes self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-fulfillment. 

Self-love manifests differently for each individual, though it usually encompasses behaviours and attitudes that nurture a compassionate connection with yourself. It may unfold as positive self-talk, such as forgiving yourself when you make a mistake. 

Self-love also includes elements of self-compassion, a closely related construct that involves treating yourself as you would a good friend during times of adversity. You can practice this by acknowledging and celebrating your achievements, whether they are big or small. 

The psychological science behind self-love

Although the term “self-love” is not new, there have been very few scientific studies on the concept. 

In a paper from The Humanistic Psychologist, Eva Henschke and Peter Sedlmeier endeavoured to develop a model for self-love and concluded on three main themes as its foundation: self-contact or giving attention to and being aware of oneself; self-acceptance or being at peace with oneself; and self-care or protecting and caring for oneself. 

Within the pillar of self-contact, the researchers emphasized the importance of mindfulness — listening to your body and understanding what feels good and what doesn’t — and awareness of your emotions. For self-acceptance, the researchers described the significance of being able “To accept oneself the way one is, even if you know for sure that you do not please everybody or that everything is great, because nobody is perfect.” The authors explored the value of accepting one’s shortcomings and flaws and being okay with making mistakes. Instead of cultivating an ideal image, self-acceptance can be nurtured by identifying and welcoming all emotions, even negative ones.

The pillar of self-care focuses on taking care of oneself, which includes treating yourself to things that are good for you, taking care of social relationships, and being kind to yourself in times of suffering. Overall, self-care focuses on doing what makes you happy.

How self-compassion impacts health 

Research shows that individuals who practice self-compassion are less likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety. Instead of criticizing yourself, offer understanding and patience which can lead to greater emotional stability. Self-compassion has also been consistently linked to better engagement in various health-promoting behaviours, including regular exercise, nutritious eating, healthy sleep habits, and effective stress management. 

Self-compassion has also been associated with reduced cortisol, a hormone regulating the body’s stress response. Rather than spiralling into self-blame or negativity, those who practice self-compassion may be able to maintain perspective, regulate their emotions, and return to a balanced state more quickly.

Self-love may have powerful physiological effects on the brain. According to Paul Gilbert — a psychology research professor at the University of Derby — self-compassion may enhance well-being by engaging the self-soothing oxytocin-opiate system. 

Oxytocin — often referred to as the ‘“love hormone” — plays a key role in connecting with others and promoting positive feelings. In this way, self-love helps individuals feel cared for, connected, and emotionally calm because feelings of safety and security override feelings of insecurity and defensiveness. 

Self-love isn’t about being perfect or having everything figured out: it’s about showing up for yourself, embracing your worth, and treating yourself with the same kindness you’d give others. Valentine’s Day is a great time to remember that your relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other connections. Take time to honour that!